rainingmeat (rainingmeat) wrote,

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Salvation for Boredom

I was feeling a little bored and blah today having to be inside on a warm Spring day so I jumped in my car after eating my sandwich and paid a visit to the Salvation Army in Oakbrook Terrace.

The parking lot was full when I arrived.  Perhaps Monday is a good day to visit.

As I walked through the door the familiar smell of thrift store was in my nose.  This must be the smell of slowly decomposing synthetic fibers, aging book bindings, feet, naugahyde, mothballs, farts, old electronics and stuffed animals steeped in the drool of infants.

First stop: knick-knack shelf.  Nothing remotely interesting.  Past a filthy-looking vacuum cleaner then a glance to the familiar scuffed fiber drum in the corner stuffed to capacity with crutches and canes.  Reversing my direction, I head back to the aisle of questionable appliances.  Today, a combination fax machine/copier/telephone is the prize article.

I am now standing in front of a severely warped shelf loaded with CDs ranging from Pavarotti to the Black Crowes.   To my disappointment, the CD for 'Amorica' is missing from the jewel case.  As I squint to make out the titles of the remaining CDs, I am startled by the voice of a man behind me saying "How you doin' today?"  I turn and look up to see a 6'5" manchild wearing the goofiest of bicycle helmets on his head with the chin strap pulled so tight the soft skin of his face has extruded.  A line of dried toothpaste lines his lips top and bottom.  I nod and decide it is time to move on.

I work my way through the clothes aisle.   The first article on the end of the rack is an absolutely scandalous pair of black lace thong panties clipped to a hanger.  Peeking out from directly beneath is a stuffed life-size old English sheepdog  with a dirty, matted coat.   Another turn takes me to an aisle where an old man with skin as wrinkled and gray as an African elephant is muttering unintelligible epithets.  A Bluetooth earpiece juts out from his ear.   Overhead, the sultry voice of Alannah Myles sings "Black Velvet". 

Instead or trying to get around the old man I backtrack through the t-shirt aisle and see one printed with the saying: "I'm not 40, I'm 18 with 22 years of experience."  Pretty clever, actually. 

Mission accomplished.  I got back in my car and laughed all the way back to work at the freakishness of it all. 
Tags: salvation army

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